When Life - Trusting Only Myself

I was new to Louisville and didn’t have as large of a support system as I did, back in Florida. The few friends I had here were through my fiancé’s job. This meant that I didn’t have friends of my own nor could I hang out with them without him having to be there or expected to be present. Feeling like I was only invited because I was with him wasn’t how I wanted to start this new chapter in our life. I didn’t want to be the tag along but that's how I felt, no matter how untrue it was.

So, when my fiancé proposed, I was grateful that these people were so kind and willing to help me with the preparations! I mean, who wouldn’t be? I wasn’t alone in this crazy wedding thing, I felt accepted into this group of ladies and, for a little while, it felt nice to have all eyes on me.

When you’re planning your own wedding it’s hard to not get caught up in the whole fairytale-dream-wedding side of things. I was so wrapped up in having this elegant event, that my focus was not where it should have been. Myself.

I got so caught up in wanting to do all of this with my friends and my future mother in law, I never stopped to think about how I’m emotionally stringing myself along. I was so jaded by the shiny dresses, the elegant venues and the company throughout the process. I didn’t take the time to think about who I was spending all of this important time with. I was so selfish in not wanting to be alone, that I chose to surround myself with people that didn’t really make me happy. Yes, they can be kind people, but they aren’t who I SHOULD have surrounded myself with, at the time.

But why?

Why am I telling you all of this? Why does it matter? Because I didn’t value myself enough to try to enjoy the process of planning my wedding. Whether alone or with others.

The truth is I was dealing with a lot of emotional stress and baggage that made me difficult to be around and even to talk to.

We were struggling, as a couple, because I would obsess and want to always talk about the wedding, and he didn’t feel the same way. It got to the point that I was overwhelming and stressing him out, therefore causing him to avoid the wedding topic.

You see, I have been wanting a baby for a long time (a decade now) and it has yet to happen. I was trying to fill this “void” with other “things” to focus on, but they never worked or lasted long. I was jealous and wanted things I didn’t have, such as a baby or a lavish wedding. So, my mind was fixated on babies or the wedding and man…that was one of the most difficult years of my life. I was either complaining that I wasn’t pregnant, my fiancé and I were constantly arguing or he didn’t want to be involved with the wedding but he wanted to have his voice heard but CHOSE to not be involved with any of the planning. (I bet you’re already annoyed and exhausted from just reading this, right?) I was no longer a joy to be around. I found myself at gatherings and I would talk babies or the wedding to just about anyone who would listen.

It began at the beginning of our engagement. There was constantly an issue along the way. I went with his mother to my very first bridal show, here in Louisville. I was ecstatic to be going with her, as we were close and, I felt, we had a good relationship! Boy did that day flip on me and quick! It ended up being a disaster ultimately leading to her being asked to leave, which in turn resulted in me having to leave.

My mother was supposed to come visit and help with wedding related things but one thing after another prevented her from doing so and I was resentful. Both of us were working full time so, planning a wedding across the country was difficult with both of our schedules and a 2-hour time zone difference. Yet, with all of the technology we have today, it should not have been this difficult to collaborate and work with me. I felt that my wedding was not a priority for her and that she was simply “going through the motions” because she had to. She came to Louisville for a few days in August and again in September, for just over a week leading up to the wedding. I was excited and hoping for a different visit! I was wrong… again.

During one of my mother’s visits I was finally able to get both my mother and future mother in law to go with me to do wedding things as they both were in town and it was nice! Well, when they weren’t teaming up on me anyways… At that point I stopped asking them to help me with anything wedding related.

On my wedding day, my mother nor future mother in law were to be found.

I’d stopped by my mother’s hotel room that morning and she said she’d meet up with us at the venue. I never reached out to my future mother in law because I thought she was trying to do things at home, with/for my fiancé or that she would, at some point, meet up with us at the venue to help with things and get ready.

My mother randomly showed up throughout the morning but, did nothing to help set up the venue or to help me. She left to grab breakfast and disappeared a couple times after that but didn't remain on site until she returned with her clothing and makeup to get ready for the festivities. My future mother in law showed up with my future father in law, so I didn’t get to see her until the ceremony. 

I should have trusted myself and not included them as much as I did and a lot of this would not have been an issue.

I gave these women the power over my feelings and it was not okay for me to do that, to myself. I had built up these expectations of what friends, a mother and a mother in law should be, do, how they should act, and I expected so. much. more. from them.

I was disappointed because I’d given them that power over me. I was the one punishing myself. Or so I thought.

Submitted by: Anonymous 

Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. 

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