I ate the Mexican cheese dip.
It’s Mother’s Day and I am on the couch…watching tv and drinking a nice little cocktail. I have the windows and doors open and can hear my kids playing down the street. I love the sound of sweet innocent children playing. Do I feel a little guilty for not playing with my kids? Yes. I also have an amazing husband who told me not to feel bad about taking “time off”. So, I figured this would be a great day to write down a little part of my story – since it is about being a Mom and the choices you make.
I have wanted kids since I was a kid. LOL – I guess I just thought I was fabulous and wanted to create more of me. My husband and I decided to grow our family. We waited 2 years before trying (his idea NOT mine) but I’m glad we did. We needed to be married and live a married life. So, the day came where we had sex and we did not have to worry! No birth control…no other methods of safe sex. HELLO! It was a crazy weird feeling. I mean WOW! Let’s do it again and again and again! And we did! The 1st few months were fun. Then came the question…why is this not working?
I did what every Gen Y’er would do – I googled it.
Evidently sperm are quick little things. I put my legs in the air. I hung upside down on the bed and I even did a handstand against the wall so those guys couldn’t swim the wrong way! You are welcome for that image that just popped into your head. LOL – imagine my husband’s face. 11 months later we got pregnant!!!!
Let me just say I was 1 month away from the 1 year mark my doctor said I had before I had to worry. Thank the Lord! So now the long journey begins.
I am not a reader. I just did my own thing. I knew the do’s and don’ts but other than that…I just waited patiently to find out the sex. No major hiccups – I was lucky. I don’t remember the exact date, but I can tell you I was in Kroger when I felt the baby move for the 1st time. OMG! It was amazing – well, once I realized what it was. Remember, it was my first and I had no clue about anything.
If it wasn’t on the headline of the day on BabyCenter, I didn’t know it. I had a link on my MySpace page from BabyCenter so everyone could see how big the baby was. Geez…I just said Myspace. HA!
As this was my first, I wanted to know the sex. So around 18 weeks you can get an ultrasound. My doctor couldn’t get me in, so I had to wait until 20 weeks. No biggie, I told myself this way they would be sure. I have heard people make mistakes if they go too early.
There we were. My husband had been going to all the appts with me. We were in the room and the stick is all lubed up and we are watching the monitor. No clue what I was seeing. Seriously, who does?? Anyway, there we all were – me, Kevin, the tech, and our baby.
All happy…. then the silence came. The silence that to this day I can hear….
She does her thing but that isn’t important (but bless this woman – I couldn’t imagine her doing her job). She excuses herself to grab the doctor. The doctor comes in and more silence. Finally, I break and ask what’s going on. I know, but I ask anyway. The doctor says we are trying to find the heartbeat.
I. LOSE. IT. LOSE IT.
Every single happy thought was gone. Ugh, I’m not good with words but that feeling was terrible. And poor Kevin. He lost his 1st child. And he was also a husband who saw his wife losing it. Men…they really don’t get enough credit. He was and is amazing. I know he had to be breaking but he let me do my thing.
I get cleaned up and I am sent to a room so the doctor can talk options. Options…what the hell does that mean? What happens next is where every single woman will understand. I blame myself. I start thinking about what I had done. Did I have alcohol when I was pregnant but didn’t know. I was a smoker so maybe I smoked before I knew I was pregnant. I didn’t eat any deli meat, so that’s not it. I didn’t get in a hot tub or a massage chair. Then…the lightbulb went off. I knew how I had killed my baby. I was crying. I was rocking. The doctor came in. I told him what I had done.
I told him I had Mexican cheese dip!!
I didn’t know if it was pasteurized – I didn’t think the waiter would know. I figured it would be okay. Now let me tell you my doctor is a great man. LOL – he actually told me NOT to Google anything while I was pregnant because he knows I’m kind of crazy. This man didn’t bat an eye when I said the Mexican cheese dip did it. He just calmly said, “No, no it wasn’t the cheese dip.” Yeah, pretty sure he is still talking about that one! It was a Friday and we were making plans on delivering my baby. Again, let me say I am terrible at writing. I am ending this story here. The next part is probably my favorite part of the whole thing because I have friends and family and drugs that got me through it. I will say I have some funny stories during the delivery so hold on for part 2.
Submitted by: Winnie
I must say that this story really hit home for me. As cliché as it sounds, I laughed, I cried, I could completely relate.
That feeling of excitement and wonder. All the plans and ideas for names and nurseries.
The sheer terror when you find out something is wrong. The unbearable grief and sadness.
It is a mix of emotions that can't be understood unless you have experienced it.
Thank you Winnie for being so incredibly brave and sharing a part of your journey. I am looking forward to your part 2.
With love and lemons,